Rev. Margaret Gillikin, Lead Pastor
By Rev. Margaret Gillikin
Recently, I had a conversation with a spiritual mentor who was helping me think through why I persistently struggle with some aspects of life, despite YEARS of working on them. From previous work with other helpers (counselors, coaches, etc.) I know that I have a tendency to rebel against those who try to tell me what to do. From doctors to bosses, even to God, if there isn’t a good reason that I can buy into, thus making the idea my own, everything goes down in flames. Toddler-style temper tantrums and adolescent-style ignoring-authority-tactics are my specialty. I sometimes even manage to pull off this behavior with a modicum of politeness. But my behavior quickly reveals the truth of my attitude: “I don’t wanna, and you can’t make me.”
As we discussed this oh-so human aspect of my personality, my mentor asked me what reason would I have to have that would be “good enough” for me to do the things I “ought” to do that I’ve been resisting for so long. Eventually, I blurted out that such actions could only be generated from love for myself. Which prompted the question:
“DO you love yourself?”
*silence*
*awkward silence*
Eventually I mumbled, “Sometimes. But mostly, no.”
This is an embarrassing, profoundly vulnerable truth to admit to. Especially for someone whose JOB is to LOVE. As a pastor, I love God and love God’s people all day, every day. But like an awful lot of other folks, I have this tendency to forget that I count as one of God’s people who is loved and cared for. Like many, I have a very loud critical voice inside my mind that shouts all manner of ugly things at me…sometimes all day long. I worry about upsetting others…. About not doing things well enough…. About not being good enough…. About all the things that drive so many of us batty with anxiety. Self-doubt is an insidious thing. Even when I appear confident to others, there is often a younger version of myself internally freaking out while external me is trying to act like a grownup and get things done.
It's exhausting.
I know I’m not alone in this, but it still feels like a dirty little secret.
This is a BIG part of why I struggle so much to love myself. There is so much negative commentary going on inside my head, that anything positive has a steep hill to climb in order to register with my consciousness.
When my mentor heard all of my confessions, she made several suggestions of things I might try that would help shift this for me. But one in particular really caught my attention. Well, actually, it made my stomach queasy, which is usually a reliable sign that “something I need to PAY ATTENTION TO” has landed in my lap. The idea was for me to take on a new spiritual practice. Instead of things I’m familiar with like daily gratitude or praying for others, I was challenged to COMPLIMENT MYSELF EVERY DAY.
Whaaaaaat?!?!
This is mind-blowing stuff. It feels awkward and weird and is one of the strangest things I’ve ever attempted to do. Sometimes my compliments recognize small improvements: “I messed up, but I was able to stop beating myself up about it faster than usual!” Other days I’m able to find something to acknowledge that others might notice too: “That was a nice ‘thank you’ note you wrote and got in the mail today.” (Those who’ve known me for a long time understand what a victory it is for me to put a stamp on something and *actually* mail it). I must admit that it is truly requiring PRACTICE in order to begin establishing this daily acknowledgment as a habit.
Ultimately, this will be one piece of a larger process I am building to engage in loving behaviors toward myself as a means of learning to ACTUALLY love myself. (Another mentor taught me long ago that we must ACT our way into new ways of thinking, believing and feeling. John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, was famously advised to “preach faith until you have it” during a time when he was struggling). Growth like this doesn’t happen overnight. I also know that this work matters…both because I matter (my brain knows this even when my heart forgets) AND because love of self is actually a crucial ingredient for health, wholeness, and spiritual growth.
Jesus and those he dialogued with summarized the scriptures with “love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind and strength, AND love your neighbor as yourself.”
As I have preached many times, one of the great tragedies of the world we live in today is that we DO love our neighbors just as we love ourselves. Badly. We act out our self-disgust, disdain, diminishment, dismissal, etc. etc. over and over again without realizing it. We harm those around us completely unintentionally because we are so in the practice of treating ourselves harshly, not noticing how our attitudes naturally spill over into our treatment of others.
Even when we’ve made a concerted effort to learn how to love others consistently and generously, we may find that there are limits to how much we can pour out to them as long as we are poisoning our own wells with negativity. How poorly we love ourselves can be a significant barrier to loving God and neighbor as fully as God invites and we desire.
So, dear ones, if any of this feels familiar, and in any way matches your experience in life, I heartily recommend to you the spiritual practice of loving yourself. Perhaps that means self-compliments for you, too. Maybe it means something basic like brushing your teeth just because clean teeth feel better than dirty ones. Whatever pulls you up short as sounding crazy or hard is probably fertile ground for growth. Give it a try! I’d love to hear how it goes for you.
Prayers and blessings for all of us to deeply absorb the love that IS for us so that we are able to truly take it in, and then wholeheartedly give it away. Shalom.