Rev. Melinda Giese, Minister of Discipleship & Pastoral Care
One of the first classes I took in seminary was Pastoral Care. Much to my surprise, the entire point of this class was to teach us to listen. For ten weeks, we worked on not offering advice, trying to fix another person’s problems, or turning the conversation around to similar situations we had been through. Since these were the techniques we’d often used in the past when talking to someone grieving or struggling, we spent most of the time unlearning our old habits! Many of us did not come into seminary with the skill of listening, but by the end of the class, we had a better idea of what listening really involves.
If I could teach one pastoral skill to all congregation members, this would be it. Even though some people are naturally good listeners, everyone can improve their listening skills. Listening isn’t simply the act of hearing the other person; it’s the ability to help the other person feel heard. When we talk to someone who is a good listener, we feel understood. The listener can’t change our situation, but they can help us to feel less alone in it.
Sometimes when a friend is grieving or in pain, we put off calling because we don’t know what to say or fear saying the wrong thing. You might be surprised to learn how simple it can be to offer support. You can begin a phone call by saying, “I’m so sorry to hear about (this situation).” During the conversation, it also works well to reflect back the feelings or thoughts of the other person. For example, you might say, “I hear how frustrated you are,” or “That sounds so painful.” Believe it or not, reflecting back what you hear is far more helpful than trying to cheer someone up!
In our everyday lives, all of us end up in “pastoral care” type situations. Your friend’s spouse is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Your cousin experiences a miscarriage. Your child is laid off. Your sibling is going through treatment for cancer. In all of these situations, you get the unique chance to be with them, as we believe God is with us.
The following prayer (or poem) is attributed to St. Teresa of Avila, even though it is not found in her writings.
Christ Has No Body
Christ has no body now but yours
No hands, no feet on earth but yours
Yours are the eyes through which He looks
Compassion on this world
Yours are the feet with which He walks to do good
Yours are the hands with which He blesses all the world
Yours are the hands
Yours are the feet
Yours are the eyes
You are His body
Christ has no body now on earth but yours
When we seek to listen better to one another, we act as the ears of Christ, hearing the real joy and pain of other people. It’s a holy act, and one of the ways that all of us can share the presence of Christ with others.
To learn more about the art of listening well, I encourage you to watch the following short video featuring an animated rabbit and bear. I promise that in under four minutes, they will teach you the core concepts of Pastoral Care 101.